Social apocalypse begins after celebrity sneezes in public

Paul Ryan

The world of celebrity gossip and scandal is on fire today after socialite Kylie Jenner sneezed. Jenner’s bizarre personal choice to sneeze in public like a regular person is creating a heated debate throughout the country.
“I don’t know if I like her anymore,” said Todd Flounder of New York. “I thought she was soooooo pretty and way better than me, but now I’m not so sure. I mean, poor people sneeze. Why would I follow someone on Instagram if they’re a normal person? If I want that, I’ll just follow my friend Ronnie, who also posts obnoxious inspirational quotes and sideboob selfies.”
While it’s normal for regular humans to sneeze, scientists are baffled as to why a celebrity would need to do so. Genetically engineered to be better than us, this is the first known record of a celebrity sneezing, burping, coughing or raising their own children.
“Celebrities are not like us,” said Dr. Omar Fleek, a scientist who has spent 26 years specializing in the field of Extreme Attractiveness. “They are genetically modified beings that exist solely for our pleasure. If Miss Jenner sneezed, then she’s not a celebrity. I can tell you with great certainty that Miley Cyrus does not use her nostrils. They are merely for show.”
For years, scientists have hypothesized that attractive people are better than everyone else. Studies show that the sexier a person is, the less likely they are to fart loudly while shopping at Kmart or pee their pants while riding the bus drunk. These statistics always appeared to be proven. Khloe Kardashian has never farted loudly at Kmart, while Kenneth, the HR director at your workplace, has done so 47 times already this year.
Much like Honeycrisp apples or purebreed dogs, celebrities are bred naturally using only the finest materials available. Through years of careful analysis and hard work, wealthy communities and their offspring have evolved into nearly perfect beings. The only downfall of this selective breeding is it causes their mental abilities to diminish as their physical looks improve; a tradeoff fully welcomed by the socialite community.
“It’s so worth it,” said Georgia May Jagger, accidentally swallowing her mascara brush as she attempted to speak and move at the same time. “Sometimes I end up in the hospital because I forget to eat solid food, but I’ve never pooped once my entire life! My butthole is so cute. It’s never been used.”
Conspiracy theories have circulated for years claiming that celebrities poop and sneeze just like regular people, but no one believed these bizarre theories until now. Jenner’s Trending Sneeze could destroy the very foundation celebritydom is built upon.
“Wait, so you’re telling me Kylie walks around farting up a storm all day, just like I do?” said Amber Ferdley of Milwaukee. “That’s disgusting! What am I supposed to be inspired by in this world if celebrities and pretend models on Instagram aren’t better than me? I can’t idolize someone whose seat cushion at work smells as awful as mine does. Seriously, get a whiff of this thing! It smells like what happens after my dog eats pudding. Kylie is so gross!”
Others speculate that Jenner may be bankrupt like Kanye West and MC Hammer, with the sneezing merely being a symptom of her newly impoverished nature. The larger question is whether this “poor people virus” will use Jenner’s formerly superior antibodies to build a resistance to all purebred wealthy people. If so, a celebrity apocalypse could ensue, causing all famous people to regularly sneeze or even develop the need to use toilets like commonfolk. Some socialites don’t even know how toilets work.
“Oh God, I sat on a toilet once just to be edgy and piss off my mom, and it was the worst,” said Conrad Hilton. “It’s like, why would someone purposely sit on something that’s filled with poop, especially when there’s a huge hole in it? Personally, I think poor people are sooo gross. Like, literally gross. Literally.”
Other socialites have no idea how to poop and are terrified of it, much like a new mother anxious about her first childbirth.
“What do I do? What will happen?!” shouted Rumer Willis, tears streaming down her face. “How do I know it’s happening? Does it just fall out whenever it wants? Can I switch it off if I’m acting? I can’t be poor like everyone else! I own too many white pairs of pants!”
Jenner originally claimed the sneeze was just a hilarious prank. Three days later she changed her story, explaining that the sneeze was part of an acting role she was preparing for. She has been unwilling to name which film. The bad media publicity, as well as the shunning she’s received from the socialite community has caused her Instagram followers to drop from 59.9 million to only 37 people.
Since being removed from the socialite world, Jenner is reportedly in talks to become the face of Sketchers shoes.