News & Articles

Students are young and need our guidance. When April Fools Day rolls around, it’s important we take the time to speak to them about jokes. As you may know, jokes can be used for good. But did you also know jokes can be used for irreparable evil?

The student journalists at UWS recently found this out the hard way. Here’s some tips to help others who want to write their very own parody newspaper, but don’t want to get beaten to death by an angry mob:

- Try not to place the word “Jewish” in the same sentence as the word “fuck”. Especially if it’s the headline.

- Seriously, you could write “Jewish people love donating to fucking charity” and it still sounds like you’re angrily punching them in the groin while saying it. The intense payload of the curse word projects negativity, affecting the tone of all other words in the sentence. Also, putting curse words in the headline is my thing. Stop stealing my bit, you little bastards.

-Do you know why Sarah Silverman gets away with doing all those jokes about race? Because she’s really, really funny and we’re not.

- Americans who contract AIDS don’t really die from it anymore. Maybe you could replace those Jewish jokes with some fun jokes about AIDS.
- In fact, maybe stay away from ethnic jokes entirely. Save those for your elder years when you’re mad at how life turned out and want to ruin Thanksgiving for everyone.

- If your newspaper is named The Promethean, you don’t really need to think up a fake parody name. “Promethean” sounds fake enough.

- Don’t use the First Amendment as a crutch to avoid criticism. Use it as a shield, a guide, or a way to get laid. Those are the only three valid uses, and the third one is really tricky to pull off.

- The First Amendment does provide a lot of important protections. For instance, you don’t have to clean up after your dog if it poops in the yard of someone you disagree with. The First Amendment GUARANTEES that. Don’t waste it on juvenile things like boob jokes.

- Mastering a skill takes time. Make sure to practice writing boob jokes on your own for seven or eight years before publishing them professionally.

- Instead of using derogatory terms for women, use a phrase that’s derogatory towards everyone. For instance, how about the word “Shitface”? I haven’t seen that one used in a while. Maybe you could make it popular again.

- Whenever you feel an urge to describe a woman using an offensive term, try punching yourself in the dick instead. It hasn’t worked for me, and has actually made me more excited to write derogatory comments, but maybe it’ll work for you.

- Get rid of those amateurish “Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to teach a class” articles. That tired joke has been in every UWS April Fools newspaper since Jesus died. I should know. I wrote the one from 2001.

- That last paragraph was an example of how to be disrespectful towards Christians without actually writing anything offensive. You’re welcome.

- In the interest of full disclosure, I may have also written the Promethean’s “Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to teach a class” articles in 1998 and 2000. I might have also written it for The Reader in 2007, 2010 and 2013. Each of the articles are slightly different, like grains of sand on an endless beach of Midwestern comedy.

- Swearing is tacky and crass. You don’t see professionals like me pulling that fucking bullshit. Get your goddamn heads out of your asses, for shit’s sake.

- If you receive a letter from a student group criticizing your writing, it’s customary to close the door to the newspaper office before reading it out loud and collectively ridiculing it with your staff.

- Instead of exclusively writing edgy articles, next time try mixing in something fun and inoffensive, like ranking professors based on their attractiveness.

- Have fun writing parody news articles, but be careful not to have too much fun. Otherwise you’ll spend the next 13 years writing for The Reader and wondering why no one wants to read the sitcom you wrote about blowjob robots.

- If all else fails and people truly hated your parody newspaper, try adding tact to next year’s edition. That or full frontal nudity. Whichever one seems less classy.