Distraught middle-aged person would really like to warn you about Trump

Paul Ryan

They’re waiting for you. You don’t login to Facebook much anymore, but they’re still there, patiently waiting. You’ll login sometime, and when you do, you’ll see one of the 17 neurotic panic-attacks they post about Trump each week. Facebook is middle-aged parents’ turf now, and they’ve never felt so alive!

No one’s sure of the exact time or moment that every boring middle-aged person in America became terrified of Trump. Perhaps it was his meaningless popularity in the recent primaries, an unrealistic desire to be John Oliver or the fact that pop culture takes considerably longer to reach the elderly. But the only thing crazier than Trump at the moment is middle-aged people who read too many clickbait articles on The Huffington Post.

“I’m done making comments about Donald Trump,” wrote VapeDad43, clearly lying. “But if we don’t do something soon, Trump will be president and ALL OF US will be RAPED by MISOGYNISTS and people who PEE in PUBLIC pools. Sorry if I’m being OBNOXIOUS but I feel like it’s MY DUTY to FIX THIS.”

The sudden concern is truly baffling. Trump has already permanently lost both the women’s vote and the minority vote - a death sentence in any modern election - and even longtime conservatives who traditionally vote a straight Republican ticket are pledging not to vote for Trump in the general election. It’s almost a certainty that an independent candidate will also enter the race, splitting Republican votes further. Yet loyal HuffPost masturbators are convinced Trump still has a shot of doing something besides accidentally spitting on his own chin during debates.

Middle-aged internet folk claim Trump will win because America is filled with unintelligent drooling morons. While studies show that’s true, they also show that most of these morons consist of primary voters and middle-aged people who post frequently on Facebook. Bringing this up only further enrages the half-elderly, leaving them no choice but to compare everyone to Nazis, including themselves.

“We are being Germany in the ‘30s,” said middle-aged comedian Louis CK, in a sad partisan turd emailed to his millions of followers. “Do you think they saw the shit coming? Hitler was just some hilarious and refreshing dude with a weird comb over who would say anything at all.”

In reality, Hitler was both a humorless and entirely unrefreshing candidate who had little popularity with voters in 1933 when his party rigged the election in his favor. Only through propaganda and a skillful military invasion of Rhineland did he gain immense support, and that was years before any proposed policies against Jews. Hitler’s rise to power was more like a fart in the room that no one wanted to call out, while Trump consistently calls out all his farts, even the ones that leave a mess.

Bringing this up will cause angry overly-political uncles everywhere to use the biggest weapon in their arsenal: The “What if you’re wrong?” argument. This infinite monkey theorem could literally be applied to any situation in existence - wherein eating a plate of dog poop at Applebee’s or telling a Girl Scout the government is full of lizard people have an equal chance of directly causing the second coming of Hitler. But the push for partisan page clicks is strong, and your uncle just learned how to write posts in ALL CAPS.

“WHAT IF YOU’RE WRONG?!” typed your Hippie Facebook Uncle, tears forming in his eyes over a dystopian future that would only be plausible if our political system had no checks and balances. “Trump will take over and make us all tattoo the word ‘dildo’ on our foreheads! Go ahead. Do nothing, and watch as America CRUMBLES into a violent dictatorship!”

This threat would be more frightening if America wasn’t already a violent dictatorship. The country once renowned for its freedoms currently has no middle class, a police force that beats and kills minorities on camera with no repercussions, a nationwide surveillance network that monitors and records the private communications of all citizens, and only two electable political candidates: One whose husband was already president for eight years and the other a reality television celebrity whose most likable feature is his toupee.

Proposing that aging liberals freaking out on Facebook are the main motivator pushing fringe conservatives to support Trump will also be met with anger and denial. Most experts agree that the only solution for helping distraught over-30 basket cases is to give them more drugs.

“People need to take their anxiety medication,” said Dr. Philbert Wiener, head of psychology at Mayo Clinic. “I know it’s starting to get warm outside and people are having fun and forgetting to take their pills, but there’s no reason for getting this worked up. Look at your recent Facebook posts. You used to be funny, or at least tolerable. No one’s going to talk to you while you’re wearing a tin foil hat.”

“Maybe you should try heroin,” added Dr. Wiener. “Elliott Smith used it, and he always seemed nice and calm. Maybe it will make all of you calm and somewhat likable too.”