Over 1.2 million Kit Kats recalled

Paul Ryan

Millions of Kit Kats are “taking a break” after widespread complaints, and consumers are buzzing about it. Literally. The factory that produces the chocolate-colored wafers recently had a production error causing 1.2 million of the wafers under the chocolate to be replaced with swarms of live bees.

The affected candy bars look and feel like real Kit Kats, but they’re merely a chocolate-covered trojan horse delivering dozens of angry, stinging bees into the mouths of consumers. The manufacturer’s spokesman urged the public to remain calm.

“Oh dear lord, the bees have breached the shipping bay!” said spokesman Kent Doogle. “Ahhhhhhh! So many stings! The caffeine in the chocolate is making them angrier! Kill them all with fire! It’s too late for us! Burn us all to hell and save yourselves! Gahhhhh! They’re in my mouth! Blaaaabloogleblumthhh!”

Anyone who possesses sealed, unopened Kit Kats in their home should immediately mail the delicious candy back to the manufacturer at the address below:

Paul Ryan via Duluth Reader
P.O. Box 16122
Duluth, Minnesota 55816

According to the manufacturer, people can also help the recall effort by buying as many Kit Kats as possible from local stores and mailing them to the address. Mediocre newspaper columnist Paul Ryan, the high-ranking official in charge of the recall effort, promises he will dispose of them in the safest, most natural way possible.

Officials would also like to remind people not to tamper with the Kit Kats before mailing them to Paul. Do not sneeze or queef on opened Kit Kats and then carefully re-glue the packaging shut. Do not rub the packaging against your dog’s butthole before sending. Do not inject a syringe full of liquid cocaine into the Kit Kats or send Kit Kats you’ve unsuccessfully attempted to flush down the toilet. If you feel the need to bake weed into the Kit Kats before sending them to the recall program, please also add some peanut butter to improve the taste.

Those who possess opened or partially eaten Kit Kats should dispose of them the traditional way: By leaving them in the sun until they melt and then throwing them at your least favorite family member. The manufacturer notes that while Kit Kats filled with angry bees are not safe for consumption, they’re still great for smearing into your sister’s hair or discreetly placing in your roommate’s underwear while he’s asleep.

While consumers are pushing for legal action, federal regulators say their hands are tied. The Food and Drug Administration currently bans any candy containing more than 94 percent dead cockroaches, lice or bedbugs, but oddly allows up to 99 percent live bees. The affected Kit Kats only contain 98 percent live bees.

“Honestly, we just never thought some dillhole would put live bees into food,” said Toby Phart, spokesman for the FDA. “If I were a real person reading this article, I’d definitely mail all my Kit Kats to Paul Ryan as soon as possible. I would also toss in a $20 bill, just as a thank you for the service this devastatingly handsome young man is selflessly providing.”

America isn’t the only country affected. The bee-filled candy bars are also creating mass hysteria overseas, but for different reasons. Japan releases unusual and sometimes bizarre flavors of Kit Kats all the time, including sake, green tea, purple sweet potato, wasabi, and even Kit Kats flavored like a red bean sandwich. So when candy bars filled with swarms of live bees arrived, consumers weren’t aware anything was wrong. Some fanatics even praised the faulty product as a bold new flavor.

“I don’t care for the unbearably painful stinging or the way my face swells to the size of Kardashian buttocks after eating them,” said Himata Yamashita of Osaku. “But I do like the crunchy texture of the still-living bee carcasses while I chew through them as if their lives mean nothing. My mouth is an unstoppable evil to them, a weapon of complete destruction. It gives me a tremendous feeling of power. These bee-flavored Kit Kats are truly a work of art. A lot of people might not be cool enough or Japanese enough to appreciate them.”

American consumers have not been quite as understanding.

“Fuck! Shit! Ass!” shouted Todd Bolsom of Superior, WI, after being treated for 20 bee stings in the lining of his stomach. “Piece of shit goddamn fuck store! Bullshit! Damn it to goddamn hell! Shitfaced goon monkeys! Turtle dicked fart patrol donkey whores!”

This is not the first incident of its kind. Back in October 2015, nearly 700,000 shipments of Junior Mints were recalled when it was found that the mint filling had been replaced with low-cost walrus semen. While the walrus leavings were tremendously nutritious, they both tasted and smelled like a bathrobe owned by Charlie Sheen. Earlier in 2015, consumers also demanded recalls of 200,000 Cliff Bars. There was nothing wrong with the Cliff Bars. People just tasted them and assumed they were inedible.

Consumers looking to “break me off a piece of that” Kit Kat settlement can join a class-action lawsuit scheduled to be filed later this year.