Superior, WI first to support medicinal alcohol

Paul Ryan

In a groundbreaking new law, Superior, WI has become the first city in the nation to support medicinal alcohol. If successful, residents throughout Wisconsin may finally be able to legally buy alcohol from a dispensary instead of purchasing mediocre and potentially dangerous product in the black market.

“Dude, this is awesome!” said Dustin Blankfield of Superior Township. “If I wanted alcohol before, I had to buy it off some dude who hangs out in the laundry room of my apartment building. I’d have to sit there hanging out with him all afternoon like we were friends, and I could only get whatever crappy strain of alcohol he had that week. But dispensaries are amazing. Imagine if you could walk into a regular store and buy alcohol. That’s exactly what it’s like! It’s crazy!”

Alcohol dispensaries provide dozens of different alcohol strains for people to choose from. There’s “Miller Lite”, a strain grown in Milwaukee that’s known for its lighter flavor, making it great for daytime drinkers who still want to get a lot of work done. Some prefer more exotic strains like Coors Light, which is similar but reportedly grown in the high altitudes of the Rocky Mountains. Truly daring consumers may go for an international strain like Guinness, grown in the faraway land of Ireland. This strain is fuller and richer, providing a more euphoric experience that sometimes makes consumers sleepy or “couch locked”.

The price patients pay to get wider selections and higher quality brew is high, but most say it’s worthwhile since the product is far superior.

“It’s more expensive, but it’s better than buying alcohol off some gangbanger on the street,” said Francis Kempton of Duluth, MN. “Some of us have a more advanced palate, and this Bud Light I bought from the dispensary has tremendously richer tones and hues. The street version is often cut with water or backwash from other people’s drinks to increase profits. This is by far the purest, highest quality Bud Light I’ve ever tasted.”

Kempton paid $20 for his 12 ounce can of Bud Light, but says the cost drops considerably if he buys in bulk. A “six pack” - a term coined by addicts who consume alcohol in large quantities - runs about $90, which works out to only $15 per can.

The process of getting a medicinal alcohol prescription is also pricey, and quite intensive. Residents with a medical condition that requires them to drink alcohol must first obtain a prescription from a licensed doctor. Hundreds of alcohol prescription services have popped up around the city, where anesthesiologists, chiropractors,gynecologists and EMTs - people legally able to write prescriptions - will write an alcohol prescription to nearly anyone for a sizable fee. Most medical professionals who participate do this as a side business to make extra cash. Since they’re legally able to write prescriptions, the process is legal.

Depending on the service, alcohol prescriptions can cost anywhere from $35 to $120. Longtime prescription holders say the higher the cost, the less rigorous the process. Go to one of the more expensive services, and they’ll fill out the paperwork for you, listing the correct conditions and symptoms needed to qualify. Experienced medicinal drinkers use cheaper places since they already know the process. Prescriptions must be renewed once per year.

“I didn’t think I’d qualify, but it turns out I have anxiety and tremendous back pain” said Dirk Funklord, a student who paid $95 for his alcohol prescription. “The doctor said I probably don’t like traditional prescription medicine, with all its chemicals and side effects, but that alcohol is made by nature. The doc said it’s a natural solution to all sorts of problems in life. Anxiety, depression, back pain, glaucoma, inability to focus while playing video games, arthritis, general boredom with one’s life, and even migraine headaches. It’s, like, a miracle drug, man, but the government doesn’t want us to have any. It’s exactly what Woody Harrelson has been trying to tell us all these years!”

Longtime drinkers hope this new law is the first step to legalizing alcohol nationwide, but there are still many groups working tirelessly to get the law repealed. Darnell Patterson, head of FART (Force Alcoholics to Repent and Tremble), is the movement’s leader.

“Alcohol is the candy flavored semen of Satan! “ said Patterson. “Alcohol makes you sluggish and lazy! People who drink even modest amounts of alcohol can’t hold a job, can’t be productive or raise families, and are generally just useless twats. We must ban this evil substance before it bans us from living successful lives.”

Despite the presence of FART, America’s opinion seems to be changing regarding alcohol. What was once a feared and ridiculed drug is quickly becoming the latest cool trend. Three states added medicinal use of alcohol in 2015, with Colorado legalizing it outright. The tax revenue from selling alcohol has earned the state millions.

But until nationwide legalization happens, the majority of Americans will have to continue amusing themselves with blowjob robots, which are tremendously affordable and legal in all 50 states.