Thanksgiving canceled, replaced with third Christmas

Paul Ryan

The useless holiday of Thanksgiving has finally been put to pasture. With modern Americans overeating on a daily basis and the origins of the holiday under great scrutiny, Americans are finally removing Thanksgiving entirely and replacing it with a third Christmas.

First Christmas (Dec 25) and Second Christmas (Black Friday) will remain the same, but they will now be joined by Third Christmas on the fourth Thursday of each Nov. This will allow Americans to continue taking the day off from work, and also continue gorging themselves on turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and boiled chupacabra testicles, as these traditions are standard across all holidays.

The change also has the added bonus of helping America’s staggering economy recover. Christmas sales have increased dramatically since Second Christmas became mainstream in the early-00s, and experts expect Third Christmas to bring in even more of the irresponsible spending and credit card debt that now single-handedly fuels our economy. Thanksgiving brings in very little revenue, other than minor boosts for turkey farms, cranberry farms, and diarrhea medication farms.

Regular Americans seem unfazed by the change.

“Is there still football? Can I still shotgun a case of The Beast?” asked Carl Turtlefart of Superior, WI. “Okay then, let’s mark this one up as a big ‘I don’t give a shiz.’ They can call it ISIL Day for all I care. I’m only participating so I can slowly kill myself with butter and Keystone Light, the way our sweet Lord intended.”

Sadly, officials estimate that even Third Christmas may not provide the boost our economy needs. Additional Christmases may be required, and politicians are hard at work making it happen.

“The only thing helping the economy these days is the Christmas season,” said Senator Lenny Derpson (R-North Pole). “People aren’t spending money foolishly anymore, which is what we politicians need if we’re going to continue squandering all the tax revenue that comes from that spending. If we add enough Christmases throughout the year, in theory our economy should return to normal. Otherwise, my fellow politicians and I may have to - God help us all - actually learn how to balance a budget and only spend the money we take in each year. Which is just ridiculous.”

Derpson estimates that seven or eight Christmases per year should do the trick. However, the success of this program will only cause more reckless spending from politicians, so the public should expect between 14 and 16 Christmases total per year.

“We’ll have a Christmas every damn day if we have to,” said Derpson. “We’ll fix this damn economy with or without the public’s help! Bend over and grab your ankles, folks! We’re gonna shove this Christmas right up your business! If you don’t hate your own children by the time we’re done, then I haven’t done my job.”

With so many Christmases, it will be difficult to tell them apart. That’s why specific colors have been chosen for each version. First Christmas is no longer red and green; just green now. Second Christmas is black. Third Christmas is red, Fourth Christmas is plaid and Fifth Christmas is clear acrylic. The last color was written in by a lobbyist for the plastics industry.

Local clergy have been hesitant to support the idea, but are ultimately willing to agree to the change if it puts more butts in the pews.

“God is everywhere all the time, so He could technically have infinity birthdays,” said Reverend John Stamos of Saints Lutheran Church. “A real full house of birthdays, if you will. I’m not sure it’s terribly useful to exploit our religion in this way, but with people’s morality crumbling almost as fast as society itself, we’ll take what we can get. Maybe someone will be couch locked enough by a food coma to read The Bible.”

While that’s very unlikely to happen, adding 174 additional Christmases per year will certainly boost attendance from casual agnostics who only fear the rapture during major holidays. Yet it’s also causing some hurt feelings amongst pilgrim enthusiasts who want Thanksgiving to remain a holiday. Nearly seven people protested outside city hall Monday.

“Two, four, six, eight! Stop all this Thanksgiving rape!” chanted Marlene Deez, an Unemployed American from Burnsville, MN. “Three, five, seven, ten! Stab their urethras with fountain pens! Hashtag war on Thanksgiving hashtag don’t beat our meat hashtag Coors Light free t-shirt retweet offer!”

“Yeah, and legalize prostitution!” shouted another protester, who was quickly escorted from the premises for not wearing pants.

Despite the War on Thanksgiving and its massive crowd of supporters, Americans should brace themselves for the coming change. In time, America will come to love and depend upon their 387 Christmases per year. Some, like Alejandro Figueroa of Duluth, have already made peace.

“I didn’t like the idea of having 537 Christmases per year at first, because I hate lying to my kid,” said Figueroa. “But then I realized that my job as a parent basically involves me lying to my kid 24 hours a day anyway, so whatever.”