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Newly crowned Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) is having some growing pains. The politician shares the same name as Duluth Reader humor columnist Paul Ryan, and Politician Ryan apparently doesn’t find the comparison flattering.
“I hate how every time I Google myself, I have to dig through 20 pages of that other guy’s lame comedy writing before my website shows up,” said Politician Ryan. “Every person I meet on the street is like ‘Oh, you write those newspaper fart jokes.’ It’s hard to run a successful political career when people think I favor anarchy, legalizing drugs and - assuming I’m pronouncing this correctly - ‘queefing on the elite.’”
Queefing the elite has long been Columnist Ryan’s only political belief. It’s compatible with both fringe groups and major political parties. The slogan is even fully supported by all income classes, as no matter how much money a person makes, there is always someone richer than them that they feel is turning the screws.
As expected, Politician Ryan has concerns about being associated with politically motivated queefings.
“It’s just so frustrating,” said Politician Ryan. “This guy is such a colossal douchebag, and I’m such a better person than he is in all ways, yet I have to be compared to him on a daily basis. Every time he does something stupid or terrible, I have to sit through endless tiresome jokes from every person I know. No, I’m not planning to fill a Super Soaker squirt gun with my own pee. Thanks for asking, mom.”
Politician Ryan donates to charity, volunteers his time for the less fortunate, pays his taxes on time and is courteous to elderly and disabled people. Columnist Ryan does none of these things, yet the two are sometimes still viewed by the general populace as the same person.
“I was picking up a bottle of wine for a romantic dinner with my wife, and the guy at the liquor store winked at me and asked if I wanted to buy some pot,” said Politician Ryan. “I know this other Paul Ryan probably doesn’t even know I exist, but does this deadbeat columnist have to infect every aspect of my life? I shouldn’t have to put up with this bullshit.”
Columnist Ryan is equally concerned about the situation.
“Um, I don’t want to make a big deal or anything, especially since this is printed publicly, but that’s my pot,” said Columnist Ryan. “I mean, it’s not really my pot! I’m just joking! But if it WERE my pot, I’d be really pissed if he bought it, because I have anxiety issues so I actually need it, unlike all those other fakers. I don’t have a prescription, but if I did, it was signed by a gynecologist and they’re legally allowed to write prescriptions for things, so it’s totally legit.”
Despite the occasional mixups, fans of both Ryans say they don’t particularly have issues telling the two apart.
“When I think of Paul Ryan the politician, I think of clean smelling linen and church on Sundays,” said Marcie Evans of Superior, WI. “But when I think of Paul Ryan the columnist, I think of rusty bathtubs in abandoned buildings, and dogs barfing in my hair while I’m asleep. My friends and I have a death pool going, and I bet on the columnist one dying next week. Fingers crossed!”
“I really like Paul Ryan, just not the columnist or the politician,” said Greg Broobs of Hermantown, MN. “Both of them are just awful human beings on opposite ends of the spectrum. My favorite Paul Ryan is the one from Montana who airbrushes Iron Maiden logos on vans. That guy’s work is sick! Sooo sick!”
In fact, nearly 98 percent of citizens polled said they could tell the two Paul Ryans apart, but pretended they couldn’t because the anger it causes is entertaining. Politician Ryan said his biggest fear is that this terrible joke will never end.
“He’s a lifelong humor columnist,” said Politician Ryan. “Honestly, what else does he have in his life? What other publication would print his pointless toilet laughs? He’ll be writing these sad, pathetic pleas for attention forever. The only time he’ll stop making the world a worse place every week is if he wanders onto the highway drunk and naked. Fortunately, that’s very possible.”
Columnist Ryan was unable to answer this question because he blacked out while still holding the phone receiver, but friends say he has strikingly similar views on Politician Ryan, claiming he’s a deadbeat who’s never held a real job and will continue living off the public indefinitely unless he is raped to death by a bear.
“I’m not really his friend, because I just met him an hour ago,” said Tim Blake of Duluth, “but he kept going on about how he wants to punch Speaker Ryan in his derpy Wisconsin face and throw him naked into the den of a hibernating bear. He’s kind of a jerk, but he bought me a falafel. At least he’s not a politician.”