News & Articles

Peanut M&Ms. What’s the matter, cheap ass? Couldn’t afford to spring for the chocolate ones? Yeah, let’s choose the one variety of M&Ms that doesn’t taste like candy.

Hard candy. Are you really that poor? Do you really hate children that much? Are you a hostess in a restaurant? There’s still no excuse for giving children hard candy on Halloween. Just turn off your porch light and watch TV in the dark like decent people. If you want to re-gift restaurant handouts, save fortune cookies from your Chinese food orders and hand those out. People love fortune cookies.

Don’t make your own Halloween candy. Don’t be that asshole. Only serial killers and people with dementia give homemade food to trick or treaters.

Toothbrushes. You looking to get egged, mister? Because it seems like you’re looking to get egged. Make sure to save one of those toothbrushes to clean up all the dog turds the neighborhood kids will smoosh into your car’s air filter.

Little bags of dog poop. That’s not where those go. I mean, it could be where they go later, after Halloween is over. But not now. It will just confuse the children. It is, however, perfectly acceptable to put dog poop in someone’s pumpkin to see if they notice before lighting it.

A gram of weed. At least give those kids a dime bag. I feel like no one does dime bags anymore. Didn’t we used to pay the same price for a dime that we’re now paying for a gram? Maybe I’m just an old man whose time has passed. Sigh. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss trick or treating in the old days, man.

Used condoms. C’mon, man. It’s grade-school children. Hand out new condoms. I’m not even sure why you keep the used ones. You can only use them two or three times before they break. It’s not worth the hassle.

An original Shepard Fairey art print from 2004. I know nobody likes him anymore, but that sort of thing is still worth money to the right person. Feel free to burn or throw away the post-2009 stuff, though.

Triscuit crackers. Everyone can see you’re a boring white person. You don’t have to prove it to them. This same rule applies to Wheat Thins and Shepard Fairey art prints.

Cigarette ash. Using a child’s bag of Halloween candy as an ashtray is a privilege reserved for their father, not you. They’re his children. Let him have the fun of ruining their childhood.

Ebola. It’s just not polite.

The Duluth News Tribune. If children haven’t learned to read by trick-or-treating age, they’re probably already doomed. If you must give out the DNT, at least rip out the letters to the editor section so they don’t grow up to be bigots.
A roll of pennies. Nobody wants to throw away your garbage for you, fool. Even a pack of gum costs a dollar. However, if you’re a parent who hates Halloween, putting a few rolls of pennies in your kid’s pumpkin bucket before heading out will slow them down and tire them out faster.

Autographed photos of Art Garfunkel. Those are more of an adult gift.

Fun fact: 94 percent of vegetables are shaped like a grown man’s weenus. So maybe don’t give vegetables to trick or treaters.

Ritalin. Unless you’re able to reseal the candy wrapper really convincingly afterward. Parents check that stuff nowadays. Thanks a lot, reactionary mainstream news media!

A less slutty costume. Those college kids who sometimes go drunk trick or treating at 11 a.m., and sometimes wear slutty costumes? That’s the only part of Halloween left that’s just for me. Please, let me have this one thing. I don’t have much in my life. Let me have this.
Did you know that Tootsie Rolls only have 50 calories and one gram of fat? I’m sure that information will be very reassuring to the neighborhood children as they accidentally rip out their fillings and break their teeth trying to eat them.

Candy. You’re just gonna hand out stuff for free? Like a Communist? You earned that candy through hard work and the pulling up of bootstraps, citizen. Eat the candy yourself. Let those welfare-hoarding children work for their own candy.