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The last “Dish With Trish” announced the arrival of a real-life boyfriend, which could have potentially ended this dating column. It was just starting out in all its newness glory, and three months in—bam! From our first few dates and conversation, I thought I had hit the jackpot of like-minded thinking, when it was really more of an “I’ll just agree now...” thing.
Some things we talked about were what to do after our kids leave the nest. His daughter graduated last year and mine is graduating this year. Now, no offense to Duluth or Superior, but I’ve lived in this area for 20 years, so my daughter can go to the same school and have the same friends from kindergarten on up. Accomplished! Now that she is graduating, I’m looking for a less extreme climate that doesn’t involve 90 days of subzero temperatures and snow up to your ass. I mentioned this on our first date, and he agreed that yes, we are mobile, free, and have lots of options. This wasn’t just a passing conversation—I was and am absolutely adamant about having the freedom to move about the country.
After just a little time, though, the questions started. “Well, when?! A year from now? Where will you be in a year?” Esoterically, I answered with “Who’s knows? Who can answer that?” That didn’t work. He wanted to know literally, and so I asked him, “Where will you be in a year?” He answered with “Right here in this house at the same job.” I didn’t mention it before, but our relationship was long-distance, a good two hours’ drive NORTH. Very plainly, I stated, “Well, then our relationship will continue to be long-distance, because there is no way I’m moving further north under any circumstances. It’s taken all I have to live here as long as I have. If you’re going to remain there, you will remain there by yourself.” I got the feeling he thought I was being cold-hearted, but I was just being brutally honest. NO WAY further north and NO WAY in the sticks. Again, please, no offense to Minnesota—I just want a little more warmth.
He couldn’t quite get over the fact that I didn’t know where I’d be in a year, and questioned my commitment to him. I wondered why he seemed so gung-ho and agreeable at first, and now was treating me like a silly female who was just shooting the shit and not really serious. It IS rare, in fact, to meet someone who actually does what they say they’re going to do, so I’ll give him that. There are two definitions of commitment. The first definition is “the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.,” which sounds kind of nice, and the second is “an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action,” which seems more fitting. Because I couldn’t say for sure exactly where I’d be one year from now, it’s all over. I said, “Who knows what could happen in a year? Just because I say I don’t know where I’ll be, it doesn’t mean it won’t be here! Who knows?” Not good enough. He questioned the point of continuing on and potentially having his heart broken. Geez! How do you know that?! ANYTHING is possible!
He was definitely attracted to my free spirit, but as with most, when the reality of a free spirit is in your face, the flame is hotter than you thought. You might get burned, but you’ll have a hell of a good time cleaning the wound. You also might NOT. You can’t go around looking for guarantees; there are none. I could have kept my mouth shut about moving and continued on for the next year, him none the wiser, but that would have been cruel. Even if I promised to live here until I die, who’s to say what would have happened? My three words “I don’t know” were the demise of this relationship. I was so excited, too! Not only does he have a manly job, but he is an artist like me, and that meant understanding everything you don’t when you’re not an artist. It meant a lot to me.
Remember when I wrote, “To be understood is better than buttered bread”? I thought he understood me, but what he wanted was a guarantee. Like what I said to begin with can just be brushed aside because now there’s a MAN involved, and oh, by golly, I will cease and desist all my dreams and goals to mold myself to whatever you need! I will adjust, adjust, adjust, and you just keep everything the same with some improvements. What kind of free-thinking, free-spirited artist type gives guarantees? What am I, a product? A possession? I’ll give you the 120-day guarantee that this will be fun and I’ll be fully committed. After that? We’ll have to discuss terms.
I won’t get into the other things that gave me pause, because it wasn’t pause enough for me to end it. He basically didn’t want to take the risk, and I wouldn’t say for sure whether I’ll be here a year from now or not. End of story. Seems a little crazy to me. I wouldn’t stop dating someone even if they knew for sure they would be gone in a year. Would you? If I really liked (loved) someone, it wouldn’t matter, because I know in my heart that anything is possible and miracles are everywhere.
Now what? Since I don’t want to keep answering the same questions about the future, I think it’s best for me to stop pursuing a relationship online. If I meet someone, I meet someone. If I don’t? There’s a very good possibility of a brand-new region of untapped possibilities!