News & Articles

The roads are clear, but the cold remains. The stiffness of late nights in December rival the even colder ones in January and February, because we’re not used to the cold yet. By the new year, depression hits us harder than the temperature. But in these frosty December evenings, the air petrifies our bones for the first time again, making us a little more rigid, a little more uptight and conservative with our movements.

Yes, it’s been mighty cold lately. A frigid 60 degrees outside as I write this. If the temperature drops any lower, I might have to close the windows in my Los Angeles apartment. Winter is here.

What? “Cold” is relative. We’re used to 70 degrees here, not 60. The people of California have broken out their heavy coats, sweatshirts and winter hats. I saw scarves and boots today as well. I’m not sure WHY I saw boots, but I did. It’s supposed to drop to 58 by midnight. Fortunately, my apartment has heat for life threatening temperatures such as this.

After surviving this devastating cold snap, I feel uniquely qualified to give cold weather advice to the people of the Twin Ports. Your wives may have icicles hanging off their teats at the moment, but we’ll fix that soon enough. Uncle Paul, the California Eskimo is here to solve all your cold weather dilemmas with over 175,000 delightful tips!

The first rule is to not be a hero. Once that thermometer drops below 60, put those shorts away. I know you think you’re tough walking around with bare legs when it’s 59 degrees outside, but over 400 million Americans die that way every day. The pretty ladies will still be there when the temperature hits 70 again on January 1. The world is a forever rotating dessert case of skanky people. We make ‘em far faster than any human being can bang them out. There’s no need to rush.

Another manly winter rule that’s of great use to Minnesotans is to be wary of palm trees. People get lazy about trimming the fronds in the winter, and the rats crawl up them to eat the seeds and build nests. Every ten seconds, emergency rooms have 400,000 new unfortunate souls who looked upward and got stabbed in the eye with an icy rat turd. If you must stand under palm trees sashaying around like a male prostitute, be sure to wear a helmet and goggles. Bats, tarantulas and unemployed reality TV stars also sometimes live in the thicker brush of Washies and Queen Palms. A few minutes with the hose will send them all scurrying back to Malibu.

You may notice a large amount of snow on your roof, and want to remove it to lessen the chances of water leaks or damage. This would be smart if you lived in the Midwest where it actually snows. Since you live in California where it doesn’t, what you’re seeing is merely a hallucination from someone lacing your medical marijuana with something stronger. Try buying from a different dispensary. Maybe one with actual knowledgeable people behind the counter instead of girls with huge boobs.

One of the most important, and also most overlooked cold weather tools to keep in your car is a flashlight. It gets dark earlier in the winter, so it’s more difficult to tell if the prostitutes you’re picking up are transvestites. Did you know the average American accidentally picks up three trannies per week?

When driving up a steep hill, traction is key. You’ll have an easier time if you have a passenger with you. Those Toyota Priuses run on batteries, so you may also need them to get out and push.

Keep lots of liquor on hand. The higher proof, the better. Liquor doesn’t actually keep you warm, but it makes you FEEL warmer, and when you live in a sissy state like California where “cold” is 58 degrees, it really doesn’t matter that the liquor will actually be dropping your core body temperature rather than increasing it.

Invest in a high quality ice scraper. It will come in handy for self defense when you give the finger to some coked out porn actor and he jumps out of his Pontiac Firebird and attacks you with a tire iron.

Don’t buy expensive hand warmers. Instead, get a really terrible cellphone like an HTC Evo 4G. Turn it on and leave it in your pocket for ten minutes. I can tell you from experience that it will get so overheated that it’ll nearly burn the skin off your leg.

Contrary to what you’ve seen in old Looney Tunes cartoons, frostbite doesn’t turn your skin blue. Only eating large quantities of silver coins or being born in the mountains of Kentucky to inbred parents causes blue skin. I spent at least four minutes researching this question on the internet. I was not sober.

Do everything slowly. It takes longer for human beings to limber up in cold weather, so bang your wife more conservatively the first few minutes before you give her the ol’ donghammer. When you do pull that move, count at least one “Mississippi” in between thrusts.

When all else fails and you don’t know what to do, the best option for any winter situation is to stay home and drink.