News & Articles

“Touch your groin once and you’re sexy. Touch your groin twice and you’re a pop star. Touch your groin 12 times and it looks like you have crabs.”
-Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times

“The twerking was slow, calculated and far too predictable. One’s ass should look like it’s about to fall off the rails, not like it’s taking the slow train to Don’tgiveafucksville.”
-Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

“When I review a piece, I’m looking for what the artist is trying to say, and what the work reveals about society and the timeless conditions of being alive. The dancing bears represent the innocence of childhood, while the shedding of her bear outfit for a skin-colored bikini signified abandoning that innocence for the promiscuous world of adulthood. Robin Thicke, of course, was dressed like an NFL referee, representing us common folk, the rulemakers. The foam finger, which crumbled away piece by piece as she jammed it into Thicke’s anus, represented the decaying world of popular music and how she plans to punish us with it. A tear ran down my cheek as she twerked, because it meant she plans to tantalize us as she sodomizes our ears with her songs, which is the true essence of pop music. Simply brilliant.”
Jerry Saltz, New York Magazine

“Too much, Miley. Too much.”
-Sasha Grey, porn star known as
the  “Queen of Anal”

“Yeah. I’ve been drinking a lot heavier over the past 3-4 years. Do vasectomies hurt?”
-Billy Ray Cyrus


“Oh, it don’t bother me much. I gouged out my own eyes years ago.Can’t see shit.”
-Tish Cyrus

“It is time. Release the locusts!”
-God

“Now that I see what it has inspired, I’d like to sincerely apologize for all my rebellious antics over the years.”
-Madonna

“Sigh. I wish I had copyrighted my drawing.”
-Guy who invented Pedobear

“Too much tongue.”
-A giraffe

“Way too much tongue.”
-A lizard

“Seriously, what’s with the
tongue?”
-Gene Simmons

“There are smells that won’t wash out of me. Please kill me with fire.”
-Foam finger used at VMAs

“Twerking! I could do that! Let me get my back brace and some Aleve.”
-Gwen Stefani, before husband Gavin Rossdale pinned her to the floor and slapped her

“Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps blonde-haired, blue eyed people should also be executed.”
-Adolf Hitler

“Is repeatedly touching your groin a dance? If so, then I’m a much better dancer than I thought.”
-Paul Ryan, Reader Weekly

“What’s wrong with her butt?”
-Paul Ryan’s mom

“I liked it. I really, really liked it.
A lot.”
-Paul Ryan’s dad

“I built a 60-foot inflatable statue that is quite possibly the coolest thing ever seen at the VMAs. Can we please shut up about the skanks for five seconds?”
-KAWS

“Um, hello? Does anyone still remember me? I’m all grown up, too! How many people do I have to run over with my car before I get some ‘bad boy’ vibes?”
-Justin Bieber

“I really need to change my name, because clearly this crap’s never going to stop.”
-Every girl in the world also named “Miley Cyrus”

“I think I’m gay now.”
-Teenage boy in the front row

“I think I’m straight now.”
-Melissa Etheridge

“The rubbing of Ms. Cyrus’ vagina was long and continuous, like a river slowly twisting through beds of limestone carved into a mountainside over millions of years.

I removed my erect penis from the minimum security prison that was my sweatpants and thrust it violently along my warmed palm again and again, until my sweet glory arose. Three out of five stars.”
-Leonard Maltin, Entertainment Tonight

“Miley thinks America is riled up because her sexy dance was controversial, but that’s not the case. We’re riled up because she’s the first former Disney star who’s terrible at doing sexy dances.”
-Robert Christgau, Village Voice

“I was at the VMA’s last night? I don’t remember any of this.”
-Miley Cyrus