Ramblings

Nation finally okay again after pretty blonde girl is rescued

Hannah Anderson, a pretty blonde girl who was kidnapped by a close family friend, was found alive this morning after a week-long manhunt. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and other news organizations all worked collectively to mop up each other’s drool at the press conference.

“Ohhhh yeah, she’s alive, she’s safe. Mmmm yeah, that’s what viewers want,” said Craig Dingles, senior producer at MSNBC. “Ohhh yeah, the ratings are gonna be so good. So damn good. Mmmm, yeah. Her brother and mom are dead? Who cares? She’s alive, so it’s still a happy ending. Ohhh yes.”

Dingles then pulled a small towel out of his desk drawer and groaned loudly while ejaculating into it.

As soon as police heard that a young blonde girl had been kidnapped, they sounded a five-state alarm, alerting every law enforcement agency within those states. They then sent an Amber Alert text message to the cellphones of all 53 million human beings who live in those states, providing a description of the vehicle and the perpetrator’s license plate number. People were alerted to the message by a long, screeching notification noise, whether they wanted it or not.

Anderson’s kidnapper was then hunted on foot through the deep wilderness by 150 FBI agents, 100 federal marshals, and a large group of local police officers. Special forces teams were airdropped in from a helicopter, similar to Seal Team 6 when they were converging on supervillain Osama bin Laden, a man who attempted to destroy the United States of America and all 313 million of its inhabitants. Eventually, the guy who killed two people and kidnapped a pretty girl was cornered and killed.

“Thank God we found her,” said Capt. Lionel Fartsmith of the Idaho State Patrol. “And to think of all the other ways it could have gone. If she had been obese or a minority, or an obese minority, or just plain ugly for no reason, then she’d be dead right now. Fortunately, she was blonde and very pretty, and as a reward for being born that way, she is now safe.”

Over the course of the manhunt, 14 African American children were also abducted in California. Three-fourths of them were taken in broad daylight with security camera footage clearly showing the perpetrator’s identity. The concerned parents of the non-white children gathered at their local police stations, where they were told to fill out a form and wait a week for a condescending, uninterested officer to contact them over the phone and take a statement.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find those black kids eventually,” said Sergeant Harry Tinkles of the San Diego Police Department. “They usually turn up floating in the bay in a month or so. We could look for them before that happens, but without the media pressuring us, law enforcement doesn’t really do much except make money for the city by writing tickets.”

Doug Proops, a senior executive with Fox News, said kidnapped minority children just aren’t that interesting to viewers.

“You have to look at kidnapped children from a business perspective,” said Proops. “The vast majority of our viewers are elderly white people, age 65 or older. They don’t care if some black or Hispanic kid is missing, no matter how cute he is. Maybe an Asian kid, if he was, like, one-fourth Asian. Maybe one-eighth Asian, just to be safe. Anyway, there’s a very simple solution to all of this. Black people can fix this problem by watching our news network more often so we’ll have a reason to care when their children are taken.”

In some ways, pretty blonde girls could be considered minorities. Only two percent of the world’s population has naturally blonde hair. In addition, numbers from the 2010 census show that Caucasians are quickly losing their place as the most populous race. Whites make up 63 percent of the U.S. population now, but by 2060, that number is predicted to shrink to a mere 43 percent, leaving them with a lead of only 12 percent over the next largest race. Perhaps the media is just planning ahead for when Caucasians will become actual minorities in 75 to 100 years.

Despite this nigh-invulnerable reasoning, news networks still plan to work hard to make it look like they’re working hard to end their own blatant racism.

“We’re planning to do an expose on this very problem,” said Richard Douche, VP of Programming at CNN. “For far too long, the media has ignored kidnapped minority children, and we plan to hold those bastards in the media accountable for their wrongdoings. If you’re a Nielsen ratings family, you should definitely tune in and watch as we investigate ourselves without ever actually admitting that we’re the problem.”

Others, like Capt. Fartsmith, believe the kidnappers are the racist ones.

“I don’t know why people bother kidnapping cute blonde girls,” said Capt. Fartsmith. “Why not kidnap a black kid instead? It’s super easy. Or maybe a darker Latino kid. Just make sure they’re not too light-skinned, or we might mistake them for white and make an actual effort to catch you. Hey, why are you writing this down? Is this on the record? What?! Interview over! I said nothing! All quotes were taken out of context! I was talking about a TV show!”