Friendsterbate! It’s an app! An app that helps you Friendsterbate!

Paul Ryan

Friendsterbate! Sounds sexy, doesn’t it? Friendsterbate! That’s the name of the invention that’s going to make me an internet billionaire. How, you ask? Friendsterbate is an app I plan to invent that combines the networking tools of Friendster, America’s favorite social media site, with the joys of masturbating. Friendsterbate! We spell it with “er” instead of “ur” because we like to keep things classy.

Have you ever been riding the bus and had an attractive woman sit next to you? Well, me neither, but for the sake of this example, let’s pretend public transportation isn’t just filled with homeless people who smell like ancient farts and felons who had their driver’s license taken away because they didn’t realize that running over their cousin on Labor Day still counts as a DUI.

So a pretty woman sits across from you on the bus. She’s too pretty for you to comfortably approach, but you’d still like to eventually masturbate to her appearance. What to do? You could make a mental note of her face and wank to her later FROM MEMORY, like A CAVEMAN would do. You could secretly take a photo of her when she isn’t looking, and wank to that boring, blurry image like some lame 30-something pervert who grew up when Scooby Doo cartoons weren’t reruns and Mama Cass was a legitimate celebrity guest. But these ancient methods don’t suit you. You’re a hip, modern pervert who requires futuristic ways of percolating your wang.

That’s where Friendsterbate makes you a king. Just aim your cell phone camera at the pretty girl on the bus, and your Friendsterbate app will analyze the details of her face and compare it to a database of every pornographic film actress in history. Within five seconds—or forty-five minutes if you’re on a 3G connection—Friendsterbate will find hundreds of pornographic videos starring women that look EXACTLY LIKE that woman on the bus.

No more pretending to fall down so you can grab her boob for stability. No more feeling chilly because you have to take off your jacket to cover your lap while you touch yourself and stare at her. No more rubbing a stick of gum against your testicles and then offering it to her in hopes that she’ll eat it. No more sitting on your hand until it falls asleep so you can jerk off and pretend it’s a really hairy version of her hand. No more describing her to your artistic friends and paying them to draw her with three dongs in her mouth, each one a different ethnicity. You don’t need those things anymore, because you’ve got Friendsterbate, and it only cost you $74.99! Per month!

And ladies, you can use Friendsterbate on dudes, too! I have no idea why any woman would want to, but to each their own. If you have the desire to see what a man would look like if he were a hairy baboon grunting unconvincingly and sweating like he has a bad case of the flu, then be my guest. Just try to keep the sound off. Some of us would like to eat dinner this week.

It’s no coincidence that there are thousands of porn stars and also thousands of people in this world attractive enough to bang. Well, thousands might be a little generous. Let’s say hundreds. Maybe just a few dozen if we’re counting personality. But no matter who they are or what they look like, there’s a porn star who looks somewhat like them. Even the fatties and grandmas! Porn doesn’t judge. Friendsterbate’s patented Space Age Boner Technology finds the very best porn doppelgangers and brings them directly to your stupid face! For free! Plus $74.99 per month!

Friendsterbate is not just an app—it’s fate. EVERYONE’S fate. I was going to call it Friendsterfate, but that name doesn’t speak to the massive, record-breaking boners this app will give you. Guinness record boners. The future of masturbation is in my hands, and I plan to work it to completion.

Granted, I have no idea how to code even the simplest of apps, let alone how to make a phone analyze the features of someone’s face. I also have no idea how I would go about compiling a database of every pornographic actor/film in history. I once tried to make an iPhone app where you press a button and it makes a pooping noise, and the damn Android tutorials might as well have been written in Chinese for how far I got.

But it’s THE IDEA that’s really valuable and copyrightable. Execution is worthless, but ideas are priceless! And the name! What a great name! Friendsterbate! Goddamn it, fucking Friendsterbate! C’mon, man! Friendsterbate! Like Bangbus, it’s the sort of name that will make your mother want to pull her car to the side of the road just so she can open the door and retch. That’s what makes my app so great, and as soon as I figure out how to code apps or make databases or do anything remotely useful in life, I’ll be great too. Friendsterbate! Pre-orders are on sale now!