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Letters to my father on his birthday

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by Paul Ryan

Dearest Dad,
Your birthday is this week! What a joy it is to behold this splendiferous occasion! I foam at the mouth with glee at the anniversary of your glorious vaginal emergence! Tell me of a wish, father. A wish you’ve had for some time that I may fulfill on this lustrous eve! Tell me! Tell me your wishes at once! I will not rest until I’ve heard your most favorite wishes!
Sincerely,
Paul

Dear Son,
Lay off the drugs.
Sincerely,
Dad

My Very Dearest Father,
I am not high on drugs. I am high on life, the very life that your splendiferous ballsack produced! I only want to repay your sexual kindness to mother with a birthday gift, a small token of my appreciation for the disgusting act that led to my birthing. Tell me what to gift, and I shall gift it, father!
Sincerely,
Paul

Dear Son,
Well you can start by not talking like a poof. Then you can end by paying me back your entire college tuition in monthly installments.
Sincerely,
Dad

Hey Daddio,
Your sense of humor is so very resplendent! But speak to me earnestly; entrust in me your birthday wishes, and I shall bequeath them unto you, as if you were Aladdin and I were but a genie in a bottle.
Sincerely,
Paul
Dear Son,
1) I would like to be left alone.
2) I would like everyone to say happy birthday to me once, give me some plain chocolate cake without any weird stuff on it, and then shut up about it.
3) I would like to play golf, and then come home and watch golf on TV, and then fall asleep in my chair without any balloons, surprises or loud noises forced on me against my will.
Sincerely,
Dad

My dearest Pa,
Balloons, you say? I will provide a plethora of balloons! More balloons than the human eye can view comfortably in one sitting! I will invite all your relatives, especially the ones who only contact you to borrow money, and we will all force ourselves into your closet and lunge out at you like a rapist when you walk near! Then a switch will be thrown, releasing an avalanche of balloons and glitter from the ceiling! You’ll sparkle for weeks, no matter how many times you shower to remove it! And then we’ll each kiss you on the forehead individually, and sit down to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show, a film about a transvestite man. It will be all the things dads love, stretched out to three or four days for maximum joy! If you agree to all this, let me know by responding to this letter in a profane manner.
Sincerely,
Paul

Dear Son,
Just because I’m your father doesn’t mean I won’t kill you.
Sincerely,
Dad

Dear Dad,
Seriously, just tell me what you want for your birthday.
Sincerely,
Paul

Dear Son,
Socks.
Sincerely,
Dad


Dear Dad,
I’m not getting you socks.
Sincerely,
Paul

Dear Son,
I need socks. I can use socks. I can use them every day. A useful present. What a novel concept.
Sincerely,
Dad

Dear Dad,
Socks are boring. I’ll just surprise you with something great!
Sincerely,
Paul

Dear Son,
Please don’t surprise me. Dear God, I hate it when people surprise me.
Sincerely,
Dad

Dear Dad,
You enjoy rap music, don’t you?
Sincerely,
Paul

Dear Son,
I like it when they shoot each other.
Sincerely,
Dad




Dear Dad,
Seriously, give me a list of items you won’t hate.
Sincerley,
Paul

Dear Son,
Socks, underwear, and golf balls.
Sincerely,
Dad

Dear Dad,
How about if I just call you and say “Happy birthday”?
Sincerely,
Paul

Dear Son,
That sounds good. I’d like that.
Sincerely,
Dad


Dear Dad,
And I’ll also buy a kazoo that I can play for you the entire week I’m home for Christmas.
Sincerely,
Paul


Dear Son,
Have you ever wondered which of my two sons is my favorite? I’ll give you a hint: It’s your brother.
Sincerely,
Dad

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