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Italian sculptor, painter, scientist and inventor, Leonardo da Vinci rose from his centuries-old grave Tuesday morning for an exclusive interview with the Northland Enquirer. Most famous for his iconic painting of the Mona Lisa and his rendition of Jesus and his apostles during The Last Supper, the prolific Mr. da Vinci spent decades creating timeless, profound works of art until his death in 1519. Looking much like the physical archetype of God, the Renaissance Man made his way into the Northland Enquirer offices for a once-in-several-lifetimes exclusive interview to talk art, politics and legal drug alternatives.
Northland Enquirer: Who was your inspiration for the Mona Lisa?
LDV: This broad I met in Florence. We met at the pub, over libations and casual conversation. After about 9 or 10 brandies she looked far better than I had thought. Contrary to her homely disposition that the world has come to know in the Mona Lisa. Anyhow I was drunken, one thing led to another, and I painted her. After we fornicated.
Northland Enquirer: Your artwork is among the most celebrated in human history. Your renditions of Jesus and other Christian figures have inspired millions of people. Were you as devout Catholic as records suggest?
LDV: No. Officials at the Vatican and other churches around Italy and France promised to make me rich if I kept painting religiously themed pieces. As you may or may not know, the Vatican is only cloaked in a Christian facade and is actually vehemently satanic. They believed my paintings would help further their perceived benignity and they paid me handsomely. In return, I promised not to divulge their secrets of ritual human sacrifice, bestiality, and necrophelia. Ooops.
Reader: Fascinating. Tell the world something about yourself that would surprise them.
LDV: I hold a Guiness Book of World Records time for skinning and disemboweling a squirrel. I also make a surprisingly delightful quiche. I’ll give you the recipe if you’d like.
Northland Enquirer: What was your most consistent muse throughout your career as an artist?
LDV: Probably hallucinogens. Or aliens. Both possess a sort of arcane mysticism that I’m passionate about. Being dead, I’m now privy to the age old secret of what happens after death. Curious? We join other lifeforms up in the infinite expanse of the universe where everything is controlled by thought and operates in the same unified field of the greater consciousness.
Northland Enquirer: Interesting. What advice do you have for other artists that are looking to follow in your footsteps?
LDV: Choose a profession less tormenting and more profitable. Rarely does producing fine art turn out to be a good life choice. Listen, I know i’m rather talented and created timeless pieces of art and such, but I lucked out. It’s not as glamourous a lifestyle as many would expect. Looking back on my mortal life I wish I would’ve become a matador or perhaps an astronaut.
Northland Enquirer: Who’s your pick to run against Obama in 2012?
LDV: I don’t like politics, it’s too messy. If I had to vote I’d bring back Rick Perry. That cattle-wrangling, pistol-toting, son-of-gun is just what we need to get America back on track. If you don’t believe me Youtube “Rick Perry BLR” and watch in awe as a great American breaks down the issues..
Northland Enquirer: Favorite movie?
LDV: Monty Python and the Holy Grail still cracks me up, the scene with the Killer Rabbit wasn’t very realistic, though.