To Men: “First You Put A Viagra Between Your Testicles...”

Ed Raymond

The bumper sticker “You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby” is not seen anymore, but when we look at history it’s true women have come a long way since Qin Shi Huangdi was the first emperor of China back in the 3rd century BC. Qin was the first to unify all of the Chinese warlords into a unified nation. Evidently Qin believed in an afterlife because he spent much of his life preparing to go somewhere after death. In 1974 when peasants were digging a well, they discovered a vast tomb filled with a terracotta army. So far three huge pits with 8,000 life-sized terracotta soldiers have been cleared—and the archeologists haven’t reached the main entrance to Qin’s tomb yet. His tomb may be as large as 20 square miles.
   Qin started the tomb when he was 13 years old, employing 700,000 workers. When it was completed after 36 years, Qin sacrificed all of the tomb workers and supervisors so they could not reveal the exact location of his tomb. So far the figure of a single woman has not been discovered, indicating Qin evidently did not think much of the “weaker” sex. But there is a lot of digging to do. It has become a major tourist attraction along with the Great Wall, which was also started by Qin employing 300,000 workers.
   Each soldier in the pits is an individual terracotta statue, complete with spears, bows, arrows, and other weapons. Some of the soldiers are riding in terracotta horse-drawn chariots.  In just one pit alone there are 6,000 soldiers. Each figure and horse is different and each figure has the signature of the artist who created it. No doubt Qin lived in a man’s world.
   One would think that in the 2,000 years since Qin built his tomb as a celebration to man that women would have made some progress in living their own lives. But even now the current American Taliban—composed of Bible-thumping evangelicals, Roman Catholic bishops, Southern Baptists, and Rush Limbaugh gasbags—is conducting a jihad against American women with powerful forces drawn from ignorant Republicans.

Did Mary Shelley
Create Her Idea Of
What Qualities Men
Had In “Frankenstein”?

   Mary Wollstonecraft, the wife of the romantic poet Percy Bysshe Shelley, wrote the scary novel “Frankenstein” in the 18th century. Poor Frank was not assembled too well in the laboratory. He was a mutant with the body of a good defensive end and the vindictive mind of an obese, bumbling talk show host. Frank was no Einstein. Mary also wrote a little book called “From a Vindication of the Rights of Women” in 1792, indicating she was not happy with how men treated women: “I view, with indignation, the mistaken notions that enslave my sex. I love man as my fellow; but his sceptre (rule), real or usurped, extends not to me… [My] submission is to Reason, not to man. An accountable being must be regulated by the operations of its own reasons.” Take that, guys!
   Sorry, men, but we are becoming fit only to play defense in many activities. Washington Post reporter Liza Mundy in her book “The Richer Sex” writes about the rise of women and the male epitaph: (1) Forty percent of working wives now earn more than their husbands, and 50 percent will earn as much by 2030, (2) Women now make up more than 50 percent of college students, (3) By 2019 women will make up 59 percent of total undergraduate enrollment and 61 percent of graduate enrollment. Men, we are about to get our clocks cleaned while the almighty power of the male “Y” chromosome is diminishing.
     So what have we been doing to women since Qin’s time? We have been telling them they are second-class and that we rule over their bodies. I would suggest that because men are such idiots when loaded with testosterone, we will soon be a matriarchal society instead of a patriarchal one. Some comedic philosopher was right when he said that men had enough blood to run the brain and penis—but never at the same time.

According To Trash Limbo
And His Dittohead
Dipsticks, Sex Is A Free
Enterprise Commodity
Which Must Be Paid
For With Each Ejaculation

   Republicans have put a price on everything connected to sex. As sex is entertainment in their eyes, it must be paid for with cash or credit card. Every woman is a slut, prostitute, or whore looking for payment. Look at all the restrictions they place on the decisions by women and their doctors concerning pregnancy. They don’t want insurance companies to cover contraceptives. But women and girls who don’t use them because they can’t afford them account for half of all abortions in America, according to the Guttmacher Institute! Some Republicans treat women as if they were real ugly and unclean, but they have a responsibility to do “it” to women because God told them to “go forth and multiply,” no matter how disgusting it was.
   Look at what Texas does to women. It has the weakest sex education program in the country. The state has declared holy jihad on women. The abortion rules passed by men in the Texas legislature qualify as state-sanctioned abuse, according to a Texas abortion doctor. “It borders on rape,” says Dr. Curtis Boyd. (Many states describe rape as putting any object into an orifice against a person’s will.) According to ignorant, sexually sick men in the legislature, the woman seeking an abortion regardless of the condition of the fetus must have a 10-inch plastic-covered electronic probe shoved up her vagina. Then she must listen to a doctor explain the body parts and internal organs on an ultrasound screen. Then she must sign a statement that she understands the entire situation. Then she must wait 24 hours for the procedure. Texas doctors must warn women that abortions may cause breast cancer, an idea rejected by all cancer research.
   State by state, Republicans are attempting to put new obstacles to abortions through what are commonly called “Stupid Woman” bills and laws. They will try anything to patronize and humiliate women. Last year 24 states passed 92 laws trying to curb abortions. It has reached the point where pitchforks are in order.
   Here are some “War on Women” jihad items tossed in legislature committees just in the 2011 sessions:
** A Georgia legislator tried to change the legal definition of rape, stalking, and domestic violence to “accuser,” dropping the word “victim.” However, if you were robbed or burglarized you were still listed as a victim. By the way, this is the same legislature where a representative said all state documents should be “English-only” because, after all, the Bible was written in English.
** A bill has been submitted by House Republicans that would approve of hospitals allowing a woman to die rather than perform an abortion necessary to save her life.
** In South Dakota, Republicans proposed a bill that could make it legal to murder an abortion doctor.
** House Republicans tried to cut a billion dollars of food and other aid, known as the WIC program, to low-income pregnant women, mothers, babies, and kids.
** Congress voted for a Republican amendment cutting all federal funding from Planned Parenthood health centers, a trusted nationwide provider of basic health care and family planning. During the same session, Indiana Republican Dan Burton submitted a bill that would provide contraception for wild horses. Now that’s real health care for females! Planned Parenthood centers provide low-income women with cancer screenings and pap smears for cervical cancer. They also supply birth control pills, thus decreasing the number of abortions in the U.S.

Why Women Bother
To Go To Some Churches
Is Beyond Reason

   In this unequal battle between the sexes, women don’t get any support from most churches either. Look at just some of the restrictions on women the houses of Mary helped create:
** Women are not permitted to speak out loud unless they get permission from a man in       some fundamentalist churches.
** Many churches do not permit women to speak from the pulpit or other “holy” places.
** There are churches where ten-year-old boys have more authority than their mothers.
    A therapist who left a Christian church decided that according to the church she could do nothing for herself because “As a Christian woman I needed a man to get anyplace.”

Men: We Started The War
—Now Women Are
Mightily Pissed

   I think a number of sexually impaired men have now insulted women’s intelligence so much that the tipping point will now swing to a real war. Rick Santorum’s millionaire sugar daddy Foster Friess said, “Back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.” Elaine Talbott pushed back with an e-mail: “Maybe men should just hold an aspirin between their balls.” Ouch! Could I suggest a Viagra instead?
   Then we have the Roman Catholic bishops trying to push hard on the war, continuing their medieval, Inquisitorial reign of terror on heretics and women. The problem is it is also a “rain of error.” We see letters from ill-informed Catholics saying that the Church for 2,000 years has had the same principles—that the church has been opposed to abortion and has been “pro-sperm” (or personhood for fertilized eggs) since St. Peter strolled the streets. Nonsense! In the 13th century Pope Innocent II (if there ever was an innocent one!) declared that a woman could have an abortion until she felt “quickening” in her womb. In 1591 Pope Gregory declared that the official quickening did not take place until the 116th day of the pregnancy. That decision was church policy until 1869, when Pope Pius IX decided that abortions could not take place for Catholic women at any stage of pregnancy. What would Jesus Christ do about abortion? He didn’t say.
   Then we have the fundamentalists who believe everything written or hinted at in the Bible. If God uttered every word in the Bible, why has man decided over the centuries to correct the hundreds of “interpretations” He had dictated? Here are some of the “God” quotes in the Bible that should disturb any thinking modern person:
** Exodus 20:17 means that a wife is a man’s property.
** Exodus 21:7 states that daughters can be bought and sold as slaves.
** Deuteronomy 22:28-29 describes how a raped daughter can be sold to her rapist.
** 1 Kings 11:3 says that collecting wives and sex slaves is a sign of status. (Would one         give a lifetime supply of Viagra to Solomon, who could then keep his 700 wives and 300        concubines happy as sluts and prostitutes?)
** Numbers 30:16 means that a husband can nullify or confirm any decision or vow his wife       has made.
   And then we have poor Rush Limbaugh, who forgot he had half of his brain tied on his backside. The other half didn’t click very well when he called the college girl a slut and prostitute. We have to understand he is on his fourth wife. Evidently he never satisfied the first three. But I think he was the one who finally pushed women over the edge. Look what he has done now. Remember the panel assembled by the Republicans at a “contraceptive” hearing?  All male: a bishop, rabbi, reverend, and two Southern Baptists. Enough to make one retch.
   A nationwide sex strike by women has been called for the week of April 28–May 5. It is called “ACCESS DENIED: If Our Reproductive Choices Are Denied, So Are Yours.” A father insisted he was in favor of the strike against religious leaders, politicians, and anyone who supported the idea that females were second-class citizens. He made it quite clear: “I don’t want your proposed ‘Big Government’ policies limiting the freedoms to which my daughter and every other woman in America is entitled. In short I want your dirty, perverted ideas to never mess with my daughter’s vagina, uterus, or ovaries and her decisions about what is best for her reproductive health....I support this proposed sex strike because maybe it will finally get your attention that women are full and equal human beings and no man’s property, much less the equivalent of cows and pigs.” And I add, “Amen.”

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