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What Does God Do On Friday Nights In Football-Mad Texas?

 There must be dozens of Muslims playing professional sports. Have you ever seen a devout wide receiver, a follower of Mohammad, call timeout, run to the sidelines to get his prayer rug, and point it toward Mecca? There must a Tennessee Snake Handler who plays NBA basketball because Tennessee, Kentucky, and Indiana are the centers of basketball and snake worshipers in this country. Can you imagine a sneaky little guard stuffing a diamondback in the shorts of the opponents’ seven-foot center?

And then we have the Minnesota Vikings, who are loaded with Norsemen named Peterson, Aromashdu, and Shiancoe. We must have a large number of Vikings who worship Odin, the chief god of all Vikings. Odin is not only the Norse god of war and death, he is also the god of poetry and wisdom. We know that Odin loves the Vikings. Like many Viking players, he traded one eye for a drink from the Well of Wisdom. He is now so wise he consumes nothing but wine. That’s why the Vikings practice during the week like Valhalla warriors and play like poets on Sunday afternoons.

I don’t recall a .220 hitter pointing at the heavens and making the sign of the cross after he has struck out on a pitch that hit the dirt in front of the plate. But there are many good hitters who make religious signs. Albert Pujols of the Anaheim Angels, who now has the biggest contract in baseball, seems to make the sign of the cross every time he steps into the box. However, I have never seen him do it after striking out. What does that mean? Was God too busy with former Twins catcher Drew Butera batting .157, who has gone 1 for 46?

Sometime I would like to see the following scene take place at Target Stadium. Jason Verlander of the Detroit Tigers, Cy Young winner who throws 100 mph, is on the mound. Matt Tolbert of the Twins, batting .198, steps in the box with men on second and third and two out. Suddenly Matt steps out, makes the sign of the cross and points to the heavens. The crowd of 47,000 spontaneously erupts in laughter, knowing that it is going to take more than a sign of the cross and God to get a hit off Verlander. Tolbert has been Tebowed.

Raymond is a former Marine officer and school board superintendent, and resides in Detroit Lakes